I have no clue how the last few months has rushed past my consciousness. Harini completes her full-term this week as we eagerly await the arrival of our second one. It seems as if it was only yesterday we started talking about a second child. As the ensuing months simply sprinted for me, I reckon it has been awfully tardy and burdensome for her.
Add Rishi to the equation and She can spend days elaborating on what it takes a go through a monumental 2nd pregnancy with a 2.5 year old constantly buzzing around your head. Don’t bother adding a clueless father to that equation, it gets really ugly.
Needless to say, I have been slipping by without a deep sense for what we are getting into. Of late, Rishi has been reminding me of the upcoming new release by saying ‘I love you, daddy!’ about 10 times within an hour. Over the course of a day, he must be uttering those words hundred times over between me, Harini and her mom. I cannot fathom what must be going on in his innocent mind, I do see he is preparing to face the reality of sharing his parents. Though he knows how to share toys with others, the moment he realizes what it means to share us, especially mommy, his tender heart is going to be sore.
One thing I am thankful to Rishi is he has shown me how to love. Shame on me, I didn’t realize it in the years that I have been married but better late than never. With the way Rishi loves us and expresses his love, I cringe with a sense of guilt that I am unable to reciprocate with same vigor and authenticity.
As part of our bedtime routine, I will read whatever book he choses that day and then we go through our motions of hugging, kissing, turning off the lights etc. I finally wrap him in his blanket and say “Night-Night, Rishi” and I walk out of his bedroom, just about to close the door…
“Daddy, Are you going to sleep with Harini?”
I lose my breath for a second.
I pause, “Yes, Rishi. Good Night! Sweet Dreams!”
I am glad he doesn’t say anything more because if he did, I would be in tears. I walk away with a heavy heart mixed with sense of love, warmth and guilt. It is with these subtle moments he has been giving me the precious joy of fatherhood.
I constantly question if all my love is self-centered around my desires. I am as much in love with my music or adventure sports or reading. Is all the myriad things that I get attracted to same as my love for Rishi or Harini or our to-be-born?
I wouldn’t trade anything else for the moments I spend with them but neither can I imagine going for months, if not days, without spending sometime with my other love affairs – reading or writing or playing tennis or whatever. Is it egregious to feel so? Thats the question I grapple with these days.